Fate: Get in the Robot
by ThatMairyGuy
Summary: Guess who just summoned Berserker in the 4th Holy Grail War. That bug guy! Who'd he summon? That Rei chick! Who couldn't think up a proper title before publishing this? That Mairy Guy! Who gave me the proper title just now? Bunny McFluff!
1. Mr Priest is My Father

Matou Kariya stood at the top of the staircase, staring in shock at the writhing mass below him, especially at the young girl in the centre of it, lying naked amongst the strange worms.

"You like my handiwork? She screamed constantly for the first three days, but she stopped on the fourth." Matou Zouken was waiting calmly behind Kariya, just outside the door leading into the basement. Hearing the old man speak made Kariya clench his fists in barely suppressed anger.

"Why? She's just a girl?"

"Precisely why she needs to be made stronger, if she's to help carry on the Matou line."

* * *

_..._

* * *

Zouken forced him to watch the worms swarm over Sakura for another few minutes, then dragged him back to the study on the top floor.

"Now, you must know, that even if you want the girl back, I'm not going to just let her go. Tokiomi let me have her in the interest of preserving the three families to ensure Heaven's Feel is not lost." Zouken settled into his armchair to continue speaking to Kariya, "And since we've no hope of winning the Grail this time, I must find a way to survive for the next 60 years at least." With a start, Kariya knew exactly what the old man wanted.

"I'll get you your Grail, and I'll wish for your immortality."

"Pardon?"

"I'll participate in the War next year, but once I've fulfilled your wish you return Sakura to her family."

"If that is what you want, then I will not stop you." Zouken rose from his chair less than a minute after he had begun occupying it. "Come," he called as he walked past the young man "we have much to do if you want to be considered a Master in time.

* * *

_One Year Later, DUN DUN DUUUUUN~!  
_

* * *

The Command Spells burned as they etched themselves into his skin, but the pain from the worms eating through his flesh for the past year was much worse. As much as he tried to rationalise this pain as a product of his determination, it still left him curled on the floor as though he was a baby. As Kariya tried to collect himself the door opened and Zouken stepped into the small room, cane tapping away.

"So you survived this far and you even got the Spells that identify you as a Master. But," he planted his cane down on Kariya's left leg "I don't think this leg will do you any good now, will it?"

Kariya cried out as the older man ground the cane into his thigh, his heart began to race as his body told him to fight back.

"That's not a good idea Kariya, if you excite the Crest Worms they'll eat you inside-out before you have a chance to save Sakura. Now come downstairs, we'll perform the ritual tonight."

* * *

_This bit's boring so I didn't write it  
_

* * *

"Impressive, boy. You actually survived the summoning, but I don't think it did you any good." Zouken gestured to the summoning circle, where the glow was slowly fading to reveal the freshly summoned Servant. The Servant in question was kneeling, head lowered deferentially.

"Servant Berserker, I heed the call and am brought forth. I ask of you: art thou my master?"

Kariya stood before the kneeling servant and answered the question.

"Yes, I am your Master." Hearing these words, the Servant rose to regard her Master in full, as he observed her in return. He towered over the girl, indeed, she would have trouble head-butting any opponent higher than their ribs unless they were of a similar build.

"Oh? You're accepting this weak thing? You tell me you'll win immortality and you give me a schoolgirl?" Hobbling over to Kariya, Zouken suddenly swung the end of the cane at the exhausted man's throat, stopping at the last second to rest it against one of the bulges that denoted a Crest Worm seething beneath the skin. "I should kill you here and end this farce before you humiliate me further." Zouken's words became strained as he finished, his anger was close to getting the better of him.

"I would ask that you do not threaten my Master, as you are clearly an influential person and it would not be advantageous if you are killed." Berserker had taken a step forward to the edge of the summoning circle and materialised her weapon, leveling its lethal point against the old man's throat. Due to his advanced age, just a brush of the curved tip caused a line of beading crimson to blossom across his throat. Lowering his cane, Zouken began to chuckle heartily, deep from the bottom of his lungs.

"Well then, I suppose that you may have a chance in this war, given you now have a cheerleader to inspire you from a distance." Arching an eyebrow, the elder Matou spoke directly to Berserker for once. "Are you going to cheer this failure on with your baton?" Berserker still didn't lower her massive blade. Placing his hand carefully on the sword-thing and nudging it away from Zouken, Kariya tried to place himself between the small girl and old man.

"Berserker, I'm sure he didn't mean to kill me now that I have actually _summoned_ a Servant, so please, don't turn this into a fight, as far as I know I'm the only Master who's summoned a Servant and I don't want that to end so soon." Berserker took two steps back and planted one end of the weapon in the ground, bowing as soon as she was 'in position'.

"I beg of your pardon for my overreaction sir, but I would also ask that you refrain from such words in the future also."

Zouken laughed, a hearty guffaw ill-befitting such a dignified-looking elderly gentleman, shaking a single drop of blood loose from its rapidly-congealing moorings on his adam's apple.

"You don't need to worry a hair on your pretty blue head, he is my pawn as you are his, and I am not in the habit of sacrificing any of my pieces before the game has even begun." With that and a glare at Kariya, he walked up the stairs and out of the room, calling from the door:

"Are you going to stay down there much longer or shall I call the worms back in?"

* * *

_..._

* * *

The day after summoning Berserker, Kariya moved his official base of operations out of the Matou mansion and into an old apartment halfway across the city in an area no one would think to look for the 'pride and joy' of the Matou family. Kariya would remain in the apartment during the day to adjust his sleep cycle for the coming War, discussing strategy with Berserker when he was awake. During his waking hours the blue-haired girl would sit calmly with him to talk; she would be waiting for him when he woke up with a meal ready on the rickety table.

"Something's clouding my observation of you."

"What do you mean Master?" Berserker had just handed Kariya his 'breakfast' and sat down opposite him when he spoke up.

"I can see your basic ranks: strength, D; luck, E and so on, but when I try to see your skills and weaponry I see nothing, no skills, Phantasms or anything."

"Is that an issue Master?"

"If I don't know your abilities then I can't think up a good plan, and if I don't have a good plan then we both die and Sakura gets left with _him_." With a sour look, Kariya began to shovel the rice omelette into his mouth.

"I see." Berserker placed her hands in her lap, eyes following her Master's movements. "Should I detail my abilities? I do not wish to give away my identity, even to you, so I will be brief."

Kariya grunted, almost coughing egg-coated rice everywhere.

"Very well. To begin with, I do not wish to rely on Mad Enhancement but it grants me A ranks in most physical attributes except luck and allows my skills to be used in their most effective and destructive manner. I am capable of creating a type of bounded field that repels everything below divine status and if used offensively can be considered an EX Anti-Fortress Noble Phantasm; under Mad Enhancement it is the ultimate shield and part of the Ceremony to end all life on Earth."

Kariya jerked his head up in surprise.

"All life on Earth? And you don't want to use something like that to end the War quickly?"

"It is a large-scale magic ritual similar to Heaven's Feel and requires more energy than the Grail itself. If my companions had been summoned into other classes then we would have been able to perform it, however there is no directing its power, all life on Earth would be destroyed."

"And that's just a skill of yours, not your Noble Phantasm or anything like that?"

"No." Kariya gestured for her to continue explaining herself, so Berserker continued onto the next item in her repertoire. "I am sure you will have already noticed but as long as I maintain physical form without Mad Enhancement I appear identical to an ordinary human in terms of prana."

"With red eyes, blue hair and a strange outfit." Kariya had to point out that not many such ordinary people would be wandering around a city full of on-edge magi and raging proto-gods

"It is the school uniform that is part of my legend, as with my features. Do you wish me to continue?"

"Keep going till you're done."

"Of course. I am able to heal any wound inflicted upon me at varying cost to your own prana. If there is an infection or curse that will also be removed. This ability only has effect while I retain my sanity." Berserker was expressionless, staring resolutely at the centre of Kariya's forehead.

"Fatal wounds can also be healed?" Berserker thought for a moment.

"Yes, but in your current state the prana cost would most likely kill you in the process. My final skill is the ability to use any magecraft, Noble Phantasm of true magic with little to no cost to you." Kariya immediately adopted a very surprised expression. "Would you like me to detail my weapon abilities or would you like to discuss my skills further?"

"Just quickly, why can't you use this 'any magic' ability to heal yourself without endangering me? Surely magecraft covers the healing skill."

"In the time when I was alive my skills worked in concert and made me nearly unstoppable against any foe, but I believe the Grail has placed constraints upon me to prevent me from going out of control should I activate Mad Enhancement. I am also not knowledgeable with any healing skills that falls outside my own abilities but within the constraints of magecraft, Noble Phantasm or true magic. May I continue?"

"I said yes already." Kariya muttered with a frustrated sigh.

"I know." Berserker gave a small smile in return, the only emotion she had shown so far outside of 'intent to kill'. "My primary weapon is the lance you saw earlier, it is capable of penetrating any bounded field and destroying demigods and nullifying any effects of the two in a similar manner to EX rank Magic Resistance. With Mad Enhancement it is able to kill divinity and is part of the Ceremony I previously mentioned. It is also the only thing capable of negating my Mad Enhanced Territory Creation. I also possess a small knife through which I channel prana and develop a sharper edge, but it is not a Noble Phantasm."

"That lance…"

"Yes Master?"

"You say the Grail tried to make you less powerful?"

"That may have been the case, yes."

Kariya jumped out of his seat and began to shake Berserker by the shoulders, but stopped when the Worms began to course across his face. He coughed up a small wad of phlegm, then spoke.

"I think we may have a chance to win this war Berserker, but we don't tell Zouken about this, ok?"

"Understood Master. Would you like some tea?" Kariya gave a small nod, so Berserker rose to move into the small kitchen area, then stopped. "I have just detected what I believe to be a battle between Servants on the outskirts of the city." She began to rummage through a pile of folded papers till she found what she was looking for, unfolding the map and spreading it over the table. Planting one finger in the circle denoting their own location, she traced another finger down and to the left, stopping just in the corner. "Is there anything at this location Master?"

Glancing over to the map, Kariya couldn't think of what may be out that far, but he had a suspicion it was the Tokiomi estate.

"If you can investigate without being seen, go there immediately." Berserker curtsied, folding the map and putting it away, even as she dissolved into the spiritual realm.

* * *

_..._

* * *

Kotomine Kirei stood at the top of the small cliff overlooking the Tokiomi mansion, monitoring his Servant as the golden Servant rained destruction upon his Assassin.

"Master, you said I had nothing to fear from him." Kotomine turned to see the purple-haired woman behind him, bowing reverently.

"You knew this had to happen."

"Who're you talkin' to Mr Priest? You look lonely out here." Kotomine spun fully around to find a small girl by his side, hands clasped behind her back as she tilted her head, smiling widely.

"Nobody, just myself. It gets lonely up here you know?" With a thought, he confirmed that Assassin had not been seen by this girl, nor had anybody suspected Assassin to secretly be alive. Guessing this girl to be a non-combatant in the War, Kotomine tried to herd the girl back down the hill, but she kept escaping his attempts and chatting up a storm with him.

"Are you meeting with a woman here? Is that why you don't want me here? Is it a nun?" When Kotomine remained silent the girl gave him a playful punch to the shoulder. "You shouldn't be dragging nuns into sin with you Mr Priest, what will God think?" The girl was unnaturally chirpy, especially considering the time of night. With a muted sigh, Kotomine began to totally ignore the girl and walk down the hill, but the young girl followed him all the way, striking up a conversation with the priest's back.

"Mr Priest, is that house down there the Tahsoka's or something? Mr Matou said that a friend of his lived near here in a big house but I didn't remember the address so I walked up this hill by accident." The girl almost ran into his back when he stopped abruptly.

"Did you just say Matou? And Tohsaka?"

"Oh so it's Tohsaka. Mr Matou was talking to my brother at the time so I didn't hear him correctly. Are you a friend of Mr Matou too, Mr Priest?" Kotomine resumed walking, leaving the girl five steps behind until she realised he had left again.

"I'm more of a friend of Tohsaka's, but please, tell me how you came to know Kariya Matou." Kotomine remained expressionless, his deep voice resounding through the dirt path down the hill.

"Weeeeeellll~, Mr Matou got sick with a bug a few months ago and it made him _really_ sick and he's still really weak even now so we help him out around the house so he doesn't fall down and not get up like an old man because its a shame he's such a nice man and he shouldn't die like that now that he's not sick anymo-"

"I had heard he was sick, but for it to be so serious is rather shocking."

"I know, right? We saw him coming home from the store a while back and he was having so much trouble with his bags that me and my brother just went over and helped him get them home and we've been helping him out ever since."

"It's so good that Kariya met such nice young people like you two, I would hate to imagine what would have happened to him otherwise."

"Though my brother says he treats us like slaves sometimes when we have to take his clothes to a laundromat, but I said that since he pays us and is so nice all the time that we're more like servants." There was a pause as Kotomine seemed to smile at the coincidence, but the girl didn't notice, instead looking at the Tokiomi estate through a break in the trees.

"Do you think they're building a pool in the garden down there Mr Priest? It's such a nice old western-style house, but the big hole there kind of ruins it, don't you think?"

Kotomine 'hmm'd in a agreement. "Tokiomi told me they were laying a new sprinkler system in soon, so the workers needed to know how deep the previous set of pipes had been laid."

The girl began to race down the hill, there was a bus stop at the bottom and she had just sighted it.

"Mr Priest, I'll make sure to tell Mr Matou you were worried about him, ok?" She called back, waving one arm wildly. The girl realised something, and ran back up to Kotomine. "Um, I don't think he'll know it's you if I just say 'Mr Priest' so um, could you give me your name please?"

Kotomine chuckled for a moment. "Tell him you spoke to Father Kotomine."

"Ok Mr Priest! Bye now!" The girl had already begun running down the hill, when in an instant she was no longer there, a sprinkling of glowing dust marking her departure. The instant the girl disappeared several Assassins materialised around Kotomine.

"Forgive me Master," one of the women said, the same one from before "we could not detect her presence and so we believed her to be a bystander. Had she attacked, we may not have been able to respond in time."

"It is of no matter now, we must go to the church and hope this plan has not _totally_ fallen apart." Kotomine waved the Assassins away and continued walking down the hill, pondering the mystery of the strange blue-haired girl.

* * *

_..._

* * *

"The battle appeared to take place between Assassin and Tohsaka Tokiomi's servant, who killed Assassin with his Noble Phantasm. I spoke with a Father Kotomine who I believe to be Assassin's Master. I also believe that Assassin is not dead, as Father Kotomine seemed entirely too relaxed for a Master with no Servant." Berserker brought herself into existence directly opposite Kariya, who was still seated at the table he had been at less than ten minutes ago.

"You didn't attack or anything?"

"No Master, your orders were reconnaissance only, so after identifying Assassin's Master I returned here." Berserker sat down on the bed and looked over at her Master.

"That's enough for now, we'll formulate a method of attack tonight and get to it tomorrow, when I want you out in the city during the day and looking for the other Master and Servants."

* * *

_..._

* * *

Two days later Berserker left the house on her Master's orders, wandering the streets nearby in the morning to get an idea of the defensive capabilities of the neighbourhood. At midday she returned to the apartment with a bag of groceries, so as not to arouse suspicion. In order to remain concealed from any watchful eyes Berserker also purchased a set of clothes and pair of sunglasses which she changed into upon returning to the apartment, slipping out again quietly to investigate the strange presence flying into the city. She did not arrive at the airport in time to find out the source of the presence, but guessing it to be the physical body of a Servant, Berserker began to follow it around as surreptitiously as she could, avoiding molesters on the train as she dashed around the city after the presence.

After spending most of the day dashing about in the more commercial half of the city, Berserker ended up following a black car to an empty beach, where a woman in a black suit watched over a very familiar-looking woman playing in the lapping waves. Taking a seat on a nearby bench, Berserker quickly identified the suited woman as the Servant, but she detected no prana being transferred between the two, so she left that mystery behind in favour of identifying the other woman. Her silvery hair and red eyes labelled her as Nephilim, of a different breed to Berserker herself, but Nephilim nonetheless. The true oddity of this woman was her inability to immediately sense Berserker through their shared lineage, so she resolved that she must simply be similar in appearance to one. Berserker began to contact her Master to inform her of this Servant's arrival when she felt herself being watched rather intently. It would appear the other Servant felt it too as the pale woman's laughter abruptly ceased, the rising moon silhouetting the contrasting pair of women. The two rapidly rapidly walked past the bench Berserker was occupying.

"I don't think you should go into the trees girls, I think I saw a pervert there a few minutes ago." Berserker called out cheerfully, shocking the two women into stillness.

"Don't worry, we're just going in to beat some sense into him." The Nephilim woman spoke with a smile, hoping to put Berserker at ease. Berserker for her part leaped up from her position on the bench and began to head back into the city.

"Have fuuuuun~!" Berserker waved an arm up high as she raced off back into the city, giggling to herself all the way.

* * *

_..._

* * *

"You should know, Lancer, that girl at the beach told us you were a lecherous fiend." Saber materialised her armour, gripping her hands around the hilt of her invisible sword.

"She must have had good eyes to have seen me, but tell me, where do young women these days learn such words?" The Servant Lancer spun his weapons and settled into a ready stance.

"She simply used the word 'pervert' but gazing at maidens without courting them is a fiendish action ill-befitting a man of chivalry such as yourself."

"I cannot help the fact that women gazing upon me are instantly smitten. Now come, Saber, it is a pity we cannot give our names as chivalry demands, but let us cross blades forthwith!" And with that declaration, Lancer charged.

* * *

Since Rei has red eyes, blue hair and a blue outfit (sometimes) I gave her E rank luck because she reminded me of Cu Chullain, or however you spell it in Gaelic. Maybe she's like a Cu Churei. Oh wait shit, I'm not supposed to reveal that it's Rei yet! However will I be able to have the scene where she introduces herself to Kiritsugu in 20 chapters time? SUCH MISFORTUNE. Anyway don't expect this to be updated on a wonderfully frequent basis, but I'll try to get it out around the 4th every month. Internet cookie to the person who suggests a better title, put it under reviews so I look more important.


	2. Boondock Spirits

Lancer and Saber traded blows for several minutes, neither affording the other any ground. The ground beneath them became scarred from the forces unleashed by the two Heroic Spirits, but neither combatant had yet to suffer any damage from the others blows. Suddenly, as Lancer thrust with his right, Saber stepped into the thrust and, invisible blade glancing off the spear, slashed across Lancer's face. Both Servant's drew back, a line of red coming to life on Lancer's cheek.

"I applaud you Saber, though we do not know each others names it is still an honourable battle we fight, and I am honoured still further that I may bear the first wound, though yours shall be the last."

A voice boomed out over the heads of the three people gathered in that corridor of shipping containers.

"I believe this has gone on long enough Lancer, use your Noble Phantasm and finish this quickly. You cannot afford to be irresponsible with Saber." The voice seemed to be somehow mocking Saber with it's implications of strength.

"Do you hear that Saber? It seems I cannot take the entirely chivalrous route with this conflict." Lancer dropped his golden spear to the ground, which responded with a metallic clatter. The red spear that he still held began to glow as the wrappings that covered were stripped away by the rush of prana Lancer was channeling through it. "Now then," he called, weapon flashing in the artificial light. "With or without your permission, Saber, I'll be going for the kill."

* * *

_..._

* * *

Emiya Kiritsugu had found his vantage point on top of a warehouse away from the battle, but his modern concessions still allowed an excellent, if green, view of the battle and its surrounds. He could see Maiya, his assistant, far away on the other side of the battle; he could see Lancer's Master, perched conspicuously atop a warehouse a hundred metres or so away. Pointing him out to Maiya, he learned that she couldn't see the man from her position, but she could see a strange figure crouching on top of the crane he had pointed out earlier as being too obvious a vantage point.

"It's obviously someone who believes themselves capable of dealing with anyone who goes up there, so it must be a Servant." He whispered quietly into the radio, no matter the sounds ringing out around them, his words would travel far in the still air.

"Agreed. The clothes have similarities to the Assassin that was killed at the Tohsaka estate the other night so I would guess that he wasn't as dead as he was made out to be." Maiya's voice crackled back. "Assassin appears to be watching the battle, but if I fire at him it should give you the time needed to kill Lancer's Master." She was going to continue, but Kiritsugu cut her off.

"No, Lancer's just brought out his Noble Phantasm, so we'll only resort to that if Saber should prove to be in danger." Maiya acknowledged the order, but the radio was drowned out by the renewed clashing of blades.

* * *

_..._

* * *

Saber kept dodging left and right, wary of Lancer's Noble Phantasm. The red spear dove in and out of her range, bashing the sword to the side each time he thrust. It was hard to notice with human senses, but each time the blades made contact a tiny part of the whirling vortex surrounding Saber's sword was stripped away. Each time the vortex was weakened it was renewed with a minimal application of prana, but each time a glance at the golden blade beneath was granted. After many blows were traded Lancer jumped backward and charged in, spear held straight and true. Seeing this as an opportunity to end Lancer for good, Saber responded in kind. As she charged, she twisted her body to the side, causing the spear to miss her 'vital organs' as they were, instead glancing off to the side of her armour, gouging a channel through her armour and side.

Both Servants jumped well away after that exchange, Saber holding her side, Lancer grinning wickedly. In a flash, Irisviel had cast a healing spell upon Saber, who herself had realised the potential of Lancer's red spear. With a mere exertion of her will, Saber's armour dissolved into the prana that made up its form.

"Impressive, but do you think that just realising my spear's ability will help you win? You can convert the disadvantage of wearing armour into the advantages of not wearing it, but can you turn that into victory?"

Saber did not reply, she merely stepped forward in preparation for another charge; at the same rate she strode, Lancer did so in reverse. At the moment Saber began to rush, Lancer planted his foot into the broken concrete, unearthing the shorter yellow spear he had abandoned earlier. Swinging the yellow spear at Saber, Lancer charged it with prana to activate its abilities, dissolving the wrappings.

Saber dived to the side as the golden spear was swung at her neck, the blade cutting into the tendons of her wrist instead. Again both Servants jumped away after this, Saber was incredibly wary of Lancer now, who for the most part was enjoying what was now _truly_ a battle to the death.

"A healing spell if you will princess." Holding her wrist, Saber called out for assistance.

"I did, but something's blocking it." Irisviel called out from behind her.

Saber realised then who Lancer was.

"Gáe Daerg, the spear that cancels prana; Gáe Buidhe, the spear that inflicts cursed wounds, even the spot which charms women. I don't know how I didn't realise it sooner."

"I've already given you a wound that will not heal, don't think that naming me gives you any greater chance of defeating me." Lancer spun his spears about, waiting for Saber to charge again.

"That may be so, but I see now that you are Diarmuid O'Dyna, a pity I do not have a legion of boars on hand though."

"Since you have done me the honour of giving me my name, perhaps you may also give me yours?"

It was at that moment that a chariot drawn by two bulls decided to lightning itself into existence on the battlefield.

* * *

_..._

* * *

The two bulls kicked up a great clamour, but not so much as the man who commanded them.

"I am Iskandar, King of Conquerors! I am serving as the Rider class in this War." As Saber and Lancer looked on in shock, a small voice piped up.

"What are you doing, you idiot?" The small young man beside Rider cried. "You'll get us killed if this is how you fi-ah!" With a single flick from his massive fingers Rider silenced his Master.

"Fate has brought us to this era for a magnificent reason." Rider boomed, mantle flowing from his brawny shoulders. "We all fight to have our wish fulfilled by the Holy Grail. But first I must ask of you:" Throwing his arms out wide, Rider yelled, if being even louder was possible, "How about conceding the Grail to me and joining my army? I shall treat the two of you with the utmost respect, both as my friends, and as my knights. We shall share the joy of conquest as the world lies at our feet!"

Lancer smirked. "I am afraid I must decline, King of Conquerors. I shall obtain the grail for none but my lord and Master, who I have sworn to serve with all my strength."

"So you interrupt a duel between knights for such an absurd idea? To stoop to being another's servant is an affront to my honour as both a knight and as a king, no matter how great you may be." Saber was a woman who upheld her honour, and she could not abide by Rider's terms.

"I did not expect the title of king to be granted to a little girl such as yourself." At no point did a mocking tone enter into Rider's voice, only one of astonishment and curiosity. Saber set her stance, sword directed at Rider.

"Do you wish to taste this 'little girl's blade, King of Conquerors?" Rider was rubbing his head in disappointment when the voice of Lancer's Master once again echoed forth.

"I had wondered who had stolen my relic, but now I see it was you. I am amazed the Grail granted you the right to be a Master, but I suppose you still need further education, Waver Velvet." Waver, Rider's Master, was brought low by the fear those words inspired. "In this war you shall learn the true meaning of a battle between magi, the pain involved as you fight those who may once have been your friend." The voice continued, but then stopped for a moment. "Lancer, there appears to be another intruder in the corner there. Deal with her." Lancer cast his eyes to Saber's right, where the path out of the area lay, and saw the girl with blue hair that had thought he was a pervert.

"I understand, my lord." Lancer bowed and began to walk toward the girl, spears bare and outstretched.

"Excuse me, but," the girl began, peeking around the side of one of the few still intact shipping containers. "A-are you all rehe-rehearsing for a play?" Her voice was too quiet for Irisviel to hear clearly, but to the enhanced sense of the Servants it was heard perfectly clearly. Saber began to run toward the girl too, totally ignoring Rider, who for his part stood atop his chariot with a sombre expression.

"Rider! Aren't you going to help her out?" Waver tugged at Rider's mantle, earning his Servant's attention and nothing else.

"Boy, you know what's going to happen as well as I, either she dies or someone's got a memory-erasing Noble Phantasm to waste. Besides, I didn't become the King of Conquerors because I troubled myself over the life of a single girl." Waver didn't look happy with the explanation, but he resumed his usual position on the floor of the chariot cowering.

"Watch yourself now boy, that duel was magnificent, but I won't be the only Heroic Spirit that heard the sounds."

"This is going to be a terribly long night."

* * *

_..._

* * *

Seeing two heavily-armed people running toward her, the girl ran back the way she had came, her panicked breathing giving away her position to the millimetre. Saber, channeling prana into her legs, sped ahead of Lancer to reach the girl first and was narrowly able to avoid Lancer throwing his Gáe Buidhe in her path.

"You should not turn your back on an opponent, Saber, especially in a duel to the death."

Saber turned to meet Lancer, swinging her blade to block the Gáe Daerg.

"Does your chivalry not require you to protect innocents? Tell me what is chivalrous about striking down an unarmed girl from behind." The girl in question had run around a corner just ahead of the Servants, where she thought she would be safe. As Saber and Lancer battled over the blue-haired girl's fate, she screamed. It was not a scream of surprise, but a scream of wrenching pain and it ended as quickly as it began. With a dismayed grimace, Saber disengaged the lance-wielding hero and intently monitored both Lancer and her potential new opponent. It was unlikely, but entirely possible her true Master had silenced the girl himself, one bullet a narrow miss into the body, the other correcting the mistake.

As was the theme with expecting the unexpected, the wholly expected happened while you weren't expecting it. The first clue was the slight sound of metallic rasping, achievable only by a person in full armour. The second clue would most likely be said fully armoured person stomping their way around the side of the shipping container, massive blade in one hand, pale arm not attached to pale body in the left. The third clue was entirely redundant at this point; but merely to emphasise the point that a person in white full-plate armour had apparently exploded everything of the strange girl but her left arm using nothing but a sharpened plank of metal as tall as its wielder was, the killer slowly daubed a dripping red crucifix on the gleaming white chest piece. Neither Lancer or Saber, great knights of their own legends, could identify the type of blade brandished before them. It was then that the modern knowledge imparted by the Grail came into play, telling them it most resembled a surfboard of grey metal, a handle placed in the middle almost as an afterthought.

A voice, amplified like that of Lancer's Master, rang out across the warehouse-filled concrete jungle.

"Berserker: kill Saber."

With a grunt, the white-clad knight dropped its macabre 'paintbrush' and charged at the two Servants. Lancer jumped out of the way, returning quickly to the battlefield, leaving Saber to block the behemoth sword rushing at her. The two blades met, the massive sword interrupting the swirling vortex concealing Saber's blade. Saber was on the defensive, the cursed wound on her wrist preventing her from using her full strength. Berserker kicked at her, sending Saber flying with a heavy blow to her stomach. Saber landed on her back, rolling out of the way as Berserker followed up with a leap and an overhead strike, burying the blade deep into the ground.

"I hear fools proclaim themselves kings, so I come to see how foolish they could possibly be. And what do I find?" hearing this, every participant in the War stopped cold, even Berserker. Kiritsugu and Kayneth recognised the speaker as the Servant belonging to Tokiomi Tohsaka, but everything else of the Spirit was a mystery. "A boisterous oaf who claims to be a conqueror, and a girl left to roll around with a rabid dog."

Lancer muttered and aside to Rider. "Aren't you going to invite these two to join your army?"

"I don't think these two are willing to negotiate either."

"Silence fools." The golden Servant called, his voice carrying perfectly well, even with his even tone. "Do not think to speak in my presence, ye chivalrous and mighty. And you, dog." He spoke to Berserker, with a wave of his hand golden pools of light came into existence behind him. "Do not even so much as look at me."

Berserker growled, metallic and enraged.

"Entertain me with your writhing, as your blood drains away." With a thought, two weapons began to protrude from the iridescent holes in reality. The two weapons, a sword and a spear, sped toward Berserker, and in an instant, all that could be seen was smoke. A moment later, Berserker leaped through the smoke and rose to meet the golden Servant standing atop a streetlight. They stood opposite each other, the madman in white and the King in gold, until Berserker charged across the gap and sliced the footing from under the other Servant's feet. The golden Servant landed with a jingle, Berserker with a yell.

"You dare force me to share the same ground as you? Die mongrel!" The Servant made a fist, opening the golden portals wider and wider until it stretched most of the way down the battlefield. Countless weapons shot forth from the golden pools, but Berserker either dodged away from the bombardment or blocked the missiles with the flat of the massive sword.

Seeing this, the gold Servant brought more weapons forth, this time surrounding Berserker with the golden disks. A small arsenal of weapons began to intrude upon reality, but the golden Servant suddenly turned to speak to thin air.

"You dare order a king to withdraw from battle? You are a brave man, Tokiomi." With a wave, the pools of light disappeared, the scattered weapons dissolving into particles of energy much like a Servant would. "You are fortunate tonight, dog." He muttered, then called out to the rest of the assembled kings and knights: "See that you are fewer in number when next we meet. Only a true Hero is worthy of fighting me." The golden Servant turned to leave, fading away much like his weapons had.

The remaining Servants stood for a moment, contemplating the overbearing Servant that had just left them. Saber noticed Berserker, still staring intently at the spot the enemy had recently occupied. Berserker jumped forward suddenly, surprising everyone. Lancer knelt lower into his stance, Waver cowered even harder and Saber stood defensively in front of Irisviel. Slashing wildly at nothing, Berserker confirmed the lack of Servant, then turned to regard Saber. With a feral roar, Berserker charged at Saber, turning to go around Rider's chariot. The two traded blows, Berserker's weight throwing Saber back a bit with each blow. Eventually, Berserker battered her defenses aside and was prepared to strike the final blow when Lancer stepped in.

Spears crossed to support the weight, the Irish Hero held the huge blade away from Saber. With a grunt, Lancer pushed the blade away to stand before Berserker, who simply held the heavy sword ready to strike

"I have prior business with Saber, so if you're going to keep playing around I won't be able to stand idly by and let this happen."

"What are you doing, Lancer? This is your chance to kill Saber." His Master queried, tone imperious

"I will slay Saber!" Lancer cried out to the echoing voice of his Master. "I, Diarmuid O'Dyna, swear this on my honour as a knight! But please watch, my lord, as I put down this rabid dog first."

There was silence as Lancer pleaded with his Master, then:

"With my Command Spell, I do order my Servant Lancer:"

"No! My lord!"

"Assist Berserker and kill Saber."

Saber jumped backward as Lancer turned on her, both spears flashing.

"Saber, forgive me." Lancer said, tears welling in his eyes.

A voice, deep, pained and echoing, rang forth.

"Cassius." It said. Lancer cried out as his right arm was stabbed through the muscle. Berserker withdrew the spear from Lancer's arm and stepped back.

"Fight Saber." Berserker shook in pain, clutching at his head. "Have… honour." The Servant ground out. With a mighty roar, Berserker disappeared into the ether and left the battlefield.

* * *

_..._

* * *

Kariya's chuckle carried through the clear night air far from the battlefield.

"They all ran from Berserker! I can't wait to see what the old bastard thinks now."

* * *

_..._

* * *

'_If you will not pilot, then Rei must._'

It was a dream, but not his own.

'_You will not die, because I am protecting you._'

Sometimes he could see his Servant, other times he was looking through her eyes.

'_Music is one of the reasons I love the Lilim._'

His Servant had destroyed herself, but the dream went on.

'_What are your hands for?_'

His Servant returned, but neither of them were quite like the girl he had summoned.

'_Then what is your heart for?_'

* * *

_..._

* * *

Ok then, let's start.

Rei is Berserker, it's just the armour she summons is similar to the MP Eva units, not Unit-00. The happy girl personality is the Rei from Angelic Days that appeared in the final episode, hence the intense hatred of perverts and lecherous fools, at least initially.

There will be no happy ending, it would shame both the Butcher and Nasu for that to happen.


	3. Deliberately Confusing

Lancer knelt before Kayneth's chair, high above the city in the hotel's penthouse suite. His Master was very close to enraged, but it did not show on his face.

"My lord, I know not how to explain its workings, but the moment that spear touched my body, I felt the compulsion to kill Saber disappear."

Kayneth's hands clawed at the armrests as his rage finally boiled to the surface.

"What? You make me waste a Command Spell on you, and now you say it didn't even work?" Kayneth's voice burst forth, startling his fiance Sola-Ui. She rose and went to his side, trying to help him see reason.

"It's entirely possible that's what Berserker's Master wants. Berserker's Noble Phantasm may be able to stop miracles or cancel enchantments, much like Lancer's own Gáe Daerg. If you get angry at Lancer and ruin the trust you place in each other, you're going to go into your next battle and get killed."

Her theories seemed to mollify Kayneth somewhat, he was now more enraged at Berserker for wasting one of his Command Spells than he was before she started talking.

Musing on this, Kayneth was just about to voice his decision to kill Berserker before any other Servants when the phone rang. Picking up the wired receiver gingerly, he held it against his ear slowly.

"Yes? What is it?" he snapped.

"Hello sir, this is Front Reception. I was asked to pass on a message to your room, is there someone there called 'Mr Pervert'?"

Kayneth held the receiver in thought for a moment as he envisioned berating the staff for disturbing him, until he realised who would call anyone 'Mr Pervert'. "I'll make sure he receives it, what's the message?" Kayneth ground out, forcing himself to be calm and polite in case the girl was connected to the War, which he was now fairly certain she was.

"The message read 'I'm going to get you Mr Pervert, but finish things up with your girlfriend first.' Do you need me to repeat that?"

"What did the person look like, the one who gave you this message?" With just a bit of confirmation, he might be able to confirm the existence of Caster, the 7th Servant.

"It was a girl, she looked young, maybe fifteen years old." The man staffing the front desk began to murmur as he thought of any distinguishing features. "Ooh! She had light blue hair and red eyes and she was rather pale. Do you know anyone like that sir?"

"I might. Did this girl give you a name?"

"She did sir, she said her name was Gaius Cassius, the True Lancer." When there was silence on Kayneth's end, the secretar-I mean, receptionist took it as his cue to gently ease his way out of the conversation. "Will that be all sir?"

"Yes, that will be all." Clunking the handset into the cradle, Kayneth mentally returned to the hotel room to find a very confused Lancer.

"My lord, I overheard that and cannot help but think I am the 'Mr Pervert' in question."

Kayneth waved his hand as though Lancer were stating the obvious, which he was. "The blue-haired girl from last night is a Servant, most likely Caster. From what transpired, I believe her to be in league with Berserker."

"My lord, that girl had no presence as a Servant, would it not be safer to assume that she was a bystander killed by Berserker?"

"The fact remains, Lancer, this 'bystander' of yours saw you in the forest when only a Servant or magus should be able to and now she's sending messages when she's supposed to be dead! Berserker wouldn't abide by that plan unless he only had Rank C Mad Enhancement!"

Sola-ui shifted her position at his left hand to drape her arms around him from behind. She whispered gently in his ear, trying to make him speak calmly to the two of them. "Now now, my dear, what did I say just before? Don't be mad at Lancer, don't lose the trust you've placed in him. Be angry at how Berserker's Master is making you react exactly how he wants."

"Then how," Kayneth ground out, "do you propose we stop this from happening again?" He stood up suddenly, knocking Sola-ui back without thinking. "Berserker's Master must have gained the alliance of Caster for him to oppose us so, and I have no wish to fight against two such Servants when my own was not summoned under the class he should have been!"

"My lord, perhaps we _should_ end things with Saber first." Lancer said, still kneeling on the floor with his head bowed. "If Berserker is telling the truth, then they must have good reason to fear Saber as they do. And as much as I believe they had planned to fool most of us as they have done, Berserker seems to be a wild card of sorts, not adhering to the entire plan; doubtless we were not supposed to receive a phone call from her."

Kayneth rounded on his Servant. "You claim Berserker's Master is a master planner, then tell me that deviations from his plan won't be within the plan? If he's a true genius, then he will be able to improvise! First we will kill Caster, then Berserker, _then_ we'll end things with Saber. We'll keep at it until no one can even think to stop us!"

* * *

_..._

* * *

The car screeched around the bend, smoothly accelerating across the momentary straight and grinding to a halt in the middle of the road. Saber coolly regarded the man standing in the light cast by the car's lights. This man was clearly a Servant, likely Caster by process of elimination.

"Milady, get out of the car slowly and stay behind me. This man is a Servant, so be on your guard."

The man didn't make any movements as the two women left the vehicle, he just kept staring at Saber, accurately identifying her as the opposing Servant.

"My Jeanne!" The man cried, manic grin lighting up his face. With great care, he bowed slowly, one arm coming across his body. "I have come for you, O Holy Virgin."

"Saber, do you know this man?" Irisviel questioned.

"Never in my years did I meet a man as pitiable as this; this is the first time I've laid eyes on him."

"How cruel of you Jeanne, to say you forget my face!" The man sobbed. He brought his arms up, but did not rise himself It's me, Gilles de Rais! I, who had spent my life praying for your revival and begging god for a miracle. I have come to the end of time itself to meet you once more." The threw out his hands to Saber, beseeching her.

"I've not heard your name before, nor do I know this 'Jeanne' you purport me to be."

"Have you truly forgotten your own mortal life?"

"I do remember who I was in life. I am Arturia Pendragon, rightful King of Britain. Now stand aside, unless you wish to do battle this night."

"What cruelty! What woe! Not only did you forget your life, you have gone mad!" the man begin to pound the road beneath him, driving his fist some way into the hard surface. "I curse you, God! I curse you! Why must you inflict this torture upon my beautiful Jeanne?"

"Enough!" Saber reprimanded. "You embarrass yourself."

"There is no embarrassment." The man said. "For the Grail has chosen me, Gilles, without the necessity of this War. The War is done Jeanne! Live not as Saber, but as my bride, as Jeanne. For that was my only wish, the revival of Jeanne d'Arc, and it has been granted!"

A blast of wind scored the road beside the man, ending his tirade. Saber stood where she was, now clad in her regal armour and bearing a scowl on her face. "If you mock the prayers of us Heroic Spirits any further," she said, "the next strike will be aimed to kill. Now stand up!"

As the man stood a white blur again brought him to his knees, shattering the road beneath and throwing up a great cloud of dust. With a wave of her sword, Saber chased the dust away with a large gust of wind.

"You dare interrupt my most heartfelt reunion? You truly are the madman they name you as." The man was bent low, a huge blade resting on the back of his neck. Holding the blade was the man that Saber knew to be Berserker.

"Not your Saber." Berserker said, armoured joints grinding against each other as the Servant inside the armour shuddered. Pieces began to fall from the armour, the madman inside struggling to regain his reason and the ability to speak. "Saber…and Lancer. Have honour."

"Do not presume to speak of honour, Berserker. I know not who you are, but you don't have the mental fortitude to leave an innocent be." Saber brandished her masked blade in the direction of the two servants.

One of Berserker's massive pauldrons fell forward, clanking hollow against the road before dissolving. "Master…made me. Didn't want to." The creaking resumed as Berserker began to tear at his torso, shedding various pieces of white armour. "Go. Please."

Saber complied, bundling Irisviel back into the car and reversing hastily. Left alone with Caster, Berserker growled, no longer willing to show mercy.

* * *

_..._

* * *

Kariya Matou slept fitfully, waking only five times during the day that was now his night. Berserker nudged him awake when the sun was setting, a new day of the war beginning.

"Master, I believe our plan so far has worked. Most of the different factions believe me to be Caster while Berserker is a separate entity. I have also confirmed that Assassin is not dead, merely very good at faking it."

"That is very good Berserker, we'll be winning this in no time."

Suddenly, as Kariya was making his way to the table, Berserker's head jerked around, keenly watching something far beyond the small apartment. "Master, I do not believe Lancer's Master to have been killed in that hotel explosion. I can feel Lancer and Saber currently in battle with Caster. Should I interfere?"

"Yes, go out there and at least take Caster out. Show them your power Berserker."

"Very well then Master." Berserker said, her form shifting and changing, eventually settling on an adolescent boy with silver hair. "I wonder how long it will take Saber to figure it out."

With that, Berserker faded from the apartment, racing through buildings and across roads to what Saber knew to be the Einzbern manor.

* * *

_..._

* * *

"My Jeanne! Welcome! I can understand if you hate me. I did, after all, turn from God's light." Caster said, gentling running his fingers through the last child's hair. "It pains me to say, but this isn't the only survivor. That mad dog of yours took one from right in front of me."

"I hold no sway over Berserker. Now hand over that child, Caster." Saber took up a low stance across from Caster; this time she did not make any sweeping gestures with her blade.

"You see, boy? An angel of God has come down from the heavens to save you. Go on, go to her." Removing his hand from the boys head, he gestured that he may go. Screaming and crying, the boy ran to Saber, clutching at her skirts in his panic.

"Run away from here. Just follow the path and you'll find a big castle."

Suddenly, the boy began to writhe and scream, his back throbbing and bulging. The boy burst a moment later, tentacles rising forth to bind Saber's limbs. The rest of the thankfully-deceased children soon followed, now a small army of demonic tentacles at Caster's command. "Did I not say that I would come prepared the next time we met?"

"How disgusting, to kill children just for this. I will fight you not for the Grail, but merely for your death!" Saber brought up a burst of wind from every point on her body, purging the giant limpet in an instant.

"O how wondrous, Jeanne! How valiant of you! I am certain now, your presence dulls even that of God!"

Saber charged, slicing through the beasts as she screamed at Caster. "Do not presume to speak to me of valour and nobility! Even Berserker can acknowledge a greater concept of honour than you!" She went to march on Caster, but the monsters behind her began to bubble once more, quickly healing themselves of the deadly slashes Saber had imparted. Glancing around at the writhing things and back at Caster, she noticed a strange glow about a book in Caster's arms. "Is that book your Noble Phantasm then?"

"Why yes, Jeanne. With this book from Prelati I can control an army of demons. But no miracle will save you from this."

With no words, Saber charged, but a tentacle from the undergrowth caught her charge short. Then, more came forth from every direction, binding her limbs totally and working to choke the life out of her.

Two spears, one red, one yellow, came flashing down to sever all the tentacles with one slice each. "You disappoint me Saber. It's only been a day but you've already lost your edge. You don't do the name 'King of Knights' any justice."

"Who gave you permission to interfere, Gaelic swine?" Caster asked of Lancer.

"That's the question I was going to ask, fiend. I am the one who will take Saber's life!"

"It was my wish upon the Grail that brought that woman into this world, thusly her life is mine. Even her soul itself!" Caster began to tear out his hair and point and cry at Lancer.

"I'm not here to meddle in your sick love ballad. If you think your the kind of man to make Saber yours then I won't stop you. But I won't let you defeat Saber before she's settled things with me!"

"Don't get carried away you bastard!" Caster screamed, calling his demon horde to finish them off.

* * *

_..._

* * *

The last remaining child brought by Caster was shivering outside the entrance to the Einzbern forest, holding the hand of the older boy that had saved him.

"N-nii-san, are you sure that someone will come help us?"

"They don't need to help me, but we just need to find a house with people in it." Looking up at the stars, Berserker sensed about for a trace of human activity, finding it in a house just a short distance from the forest. Leading the boy to the door, Berserker began to disappear. "Just tell them you're lost and you don't know your way home. I need to go meet with some friends." The albino Servant managed to say before his mouth took form in spirit only.

* * *

**End Chapter 3: Deliberately Confusing**

**AN:**I've found that It's very easy to write scenes if they at no point involve Rei as Berserker or discussion of Rei as Berserker. This basically means I'll be skipping around events a bit, but since Kariya is only using Rei as he used Lancelot at the moment, not a lot changes, it shouldn't be that hard to follow what goes on in the parts I leave out. I'm going to keep you guessing for as long as I can about what exactly is happening here. I will say you should be able to guess what all Rei's powers are if you know enough about Evangelion.

Here's an excerpt from the character sheet I made up for her in the middle of writing Chapter 1, you should be able to figure it out.

**Mad Enchancement: Rank B** - In exchange for most of the user's sanity all parameters are raised; Monstrous Strength, Mental Pollution and Battle Continuation equivalent to Rank A are also exhibited. Due to this particular Servant's inability to be classified as fully human the Grail can only recognise this as a Rank B skill.

**Territory Creation: Rank A (EX)** - Able to rapidly construct a spatial anomaly that will reject any foreign object with less than B-Rank Divinity. When used offensively is capable of destroying any non-divine enemy, equivalent to a C-Rank Anti-Fortress Noble Phantasm. Under Mad Enhancement this ability is permanently active to some degree and able to prevent the interference of any and all objects except the Noble Phantasm 'Lance of Longinus'.

Mad Enchancement: Rank B - In exchange for most of the user's sanity all parameters are raised; Monstrous Strength, Mental Pollution and Battle Continuation equivalent to Rank A are also exhibited. Due to this particular Servant's inability to be classified as fully human the Grail can only recognise this as a Rank B skill.

Territory Creation: Rank A (EX) - Able to rapidly construct a spatial anomaly that will reject any foreign object with less than B-Rank Divinity. When used offensively is capable of destroying any non-divine enemy, equivalent to a C-Rank Anti-Fortress Noble Phantasm. Under Mad Enhancement this ability is permanently active to some degree and able to prevent the interference of any and all objects except the Noble Phantasm 'Lance of Longinus'.


End file.
